protection, or barrier?
When I was dancing the other night one of the other people there started talking to me, and pointed out an apparent paradox in my personality. They said that I seem both extremely shy, and extremely outgoing at the same time.
I replied that while I am somewhat shy, I am more guarded. And I'm guarded in such a way that it probably does give the impression of extreme shyness. They mentioned something about how that's probably a great protection, and then somebody else asked me to dance and the conversation was ended.
But it made me think.
It's been slightly more than 2 years since Luke and I broke up. And in that time I would be surprised if any guy has even bothered to look my way.
I know that I'm not physically attractive, and as guarded as I am there is no way for guys to see my personality without getting close as friends first. But I know firsthand the dangers of wanting to take a friendship further. And even if a guy does get close enough that way I wouldn't blame him for not trying to take a friendship further. I've been burned enough times like that to know to stay out of that fire, and I'd rather keep my feelings to myself anymore than lose the friend.
I know the easy solution is to let my guard down, and see what happens. But I surround myself in so many layers of protection that I don't think I could do that. I don't even know how many there are. All I do know is that I have to be a complete emotional mess for them to be gone entirely. I was like that 2 years ago, with the breakup and then the death of a grandparent. And I know that I don't want to be in that dark place again.
I wish that there were an easy solution, but life is never like that.
I replied that while I am somewhat shy, I am more guarded. And I'm guarded in such a way that it probably does give the impression of extreme shyness. They mentioned something about how that's probably a great protection, and then somebody else asked me to dance and the conversation was ended.
But it made me think.
It's been slightly more than 2 years since Luke and I broke up. And in that time I would be surprised if any guy has even bothered to look my way.
I know that I'm not physically attractive, and as guarded as I am there is no way for guys to see my personality without getting close as friends first. But I know firsthand the dangers of wanting to take a friendship further. And even if a guy does get close enough that way I wouldn't blame him for not trying to take a friendship further. I've been burned enough times like that to know to stay out of that fire, and I'd rather keep my feelings to myself anymore than lose the friend.
I know the easy solution is to let my guard down, and see what happens. But I surround myself in so many layers of protection that I don't think I could do that. I don't even know how many there are. All I do know is that I have to be a complete emotional mess for them to be gone entirely. I was like that 2 years ago, with the breakup and then the death of a grandparent. And I know that I don't want to be in that dark place again.
I wish that there were an easy solution, but life is never like that.
posted by Phoenixwaller | 11:30 AM
1 Comments:
"I know that I'm not physically attractive..."
I remember your HNT photos and you are NOT unattractive. I know I can't change how you see yourself, but my perspective is equally valid and I think you're a doll. Confused to all hell sometimes, but definitely attractive.
Joe
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